Attention To The Unwanted Holds It In Your Experience

by Sherry
(Chicago, IL)

I'm not happy in my 20-year marriage to my husband. He's always crabby and in a bad mood, is always yelling at our teenage son (who doesn't deserve it) doesn't pay any attention to me or talk to me, and other things. I've read how you should focus on how you want your relationship to be, and not to focus on the unwanted things. I've also read that if you notice an unpleasant situation, you should redirect your thoughts to things that please you or make you happy so that you feel good.


Well, I've been trying that. And it's easy when he's not around... but when he's HERE and yelling at ME or the dogs, or whatever.. it's SO HARD to think something happy to make me feel good!! I end up yelling back at him, which of course makes me feel terrible. I try to block him out, sing out loud, etc. but it just feels like acting happy... I'm not really FEELING happy.

What should I do in this case? How can I feel good in situations like that? I try to visualize how I would LIKE him to be... thoughtful, loving, patient, funny, talkative, etc. which of course isn't in his personality at all. And as I said before, it's easy when he's not around and I'm by myself imagining. It's impossible when he's actually with me yelling and being his usual grumpy self.

Help?

Law-of-Attraction-Guide Reply

I do think as Law of Attraction teachers, we are all guilty of making this sound such an easy thing to do. But of course, especially when you are faced with a situation that makes you feel so bad, this is not easy.

The very first thing I noticed in your question was your expression of the need for your husband to change.

“I've read how you should focus on how you want your relationship to be.”

“I try to visualize how I would LIKE him to be... thoughtful, loving, patient, funny, talkative, etc. which of course isn't in his personality at all.”

However, this idea of needing a change in someone, in order for you to be happy, isn’t exactly how I would suggest that you go about this. In fact, this could really be counter productive for you.

You see the Law of Attraction is an energy based Law. It aligns you with an experience depending on the energy you have.

What is this energy?

It is the predominant way you think and feel, your thoughts and emotions. And whatever you think the most and feel the most, shall become your experience.

The problem you have when you try to change someone through visualization, or contemplation, is this….

To want this change so badly, this must be something you have thought about and felt about, a lot.

That is, that as you have experienced ‘what is’ you have focused your thoughts and feelings on ‘what is’, so much so, that you have concluded that you no longer want to experience ‘what is’.

So to try to change ‘what is’ you have tried to focus your thoughts and feelings on ‘what isn’t’, which is easy for the time that you are out of the ‘what is’ experience.

But then, you go about your day until you experience ‘what is’ again, and you think and feel again about this ‘what is’ experience, and conclude that focusing on ‘what isn’t’ hasn’t work, so you must try harder.

So you try even harder to change ‘what is’ and focus your thoughts and feelings even more on ‘what isn’t’.

But then, you go about your day until you experience ‘what is’ yet again, and you think and feel again about this ‘what is’ experience, and conclude that focusing on ‘what isn’t’ hasn’t work, so you must try even harder.

So why doesn’t this work?

The predominant way you think and feel, your thoughts and emotions, and whatever you think the most and feel the most, shall become your experience.

So if you focus your thoughts and feelings on a need for change, you shall manifest more need for change. You are in fact, creating the very thing you want to destroy, and the more you focus on a need to do anything, the more need is what you’ll get.

To build a happy and growing relationship, I would suggest that you take a different approach.

If the Law of Attraction brings to you your experiences based on your predominant thoughts and emotions, it seems that if you were to change your thoughts, and redirect them to the things you like about your now experience, instead of what you do not like, then you shall manifest more likable things.

This is the whole purpose of gratitude, and the more you align yourself to the things in your life that you are grateful for, the more things you shall experience, to make you feel more grateful.

Invest in a small book, and start writing lists of all your experiences that you are thankful for.

On the top of the page, write the heading… “The Things I Like Best About….”

And list the things, that in your now experience, make you happy.

Have a page for each person or task that you feel particularly negative about, your husband, your home life, the chores, your job etc etc, and write a list of all the qualities of this experience that make you feel good.

Instead of visualizing what you want to see, spend some time getting into the feelings you get when you experience these things.

Read your list as often as you can, and as you experience more ‘good stuff’, add it to your list.

Get to know the things that you are grateful for in your life, so that you can recall the situation, and the feeling, at any moment.

And whenever you experience a thought and a feeling that contradicts this list, do your best to recall a situation, and a feeling, of something you are grateful for.

This will be difficult at first, especially when your husband is yelling you at you, but do try your best to do this.

Some good opportunities to do this would be….

Before you yell back.

When your husband is yelling at your son, or the dog.

When you are dreading your husband coming home.

When you are tempted to talk about your negative experience.

When you make a judgment like, “he is grumpy”.

Yes this will feel a bit like ‘acting’ happy, but believe me, if you act enough, you will start to believe enough, and when you believe enough, you shall start to see the evidence of what you believe.

If you have any thoughts, or if anyone has any thoughts, please join in and add a comment below…


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Comments for Attention To The Unwanted Holds It In Your Experience

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Jul 25, 2011
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Will it work?
by: Anonymous

My husband is the same. And my feelings for him go like a yo-yo.

He is very caring and loving. I just wish he'd give me some respect also.

He treats the children very badly and yells at them all the time. When I talk to him about this, he yells at me too and says he doesn't have to take tips from a moron like me.

He is also making remarks about my looks all the time - even when he's not angry. He calls me ugly, moron, stupid, crazy.

After all the yelling he'll come and talk to me like nothing happened, and when I don't respond, he says I am disrespectful.

I am angry and upset all the time. How do I begin thinking happy thoughts when I am feeling like this? I just don't know how to begin.

We are constantly fighting and I am constantly weepy or angry.

Will writing a list of his good traits help? But isn't he focussing on the bad all the time? Then how will only my positive thoughts change a shared experince? He doesn't belive in the LOA.

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