I fell in love with a guy. However, out of fear I hurt him instead of being open with my heart and feelings. I was so worried of losing him I closed up. Last time we talked it was a disaster. I hurt him badly and told him not to contact me again. Then he saw me with another guy. He is seeing someone else now.
Weird thing is I knew he was seeing someone else way before I actually learned about it. I had a nagging fear that I'd see him with a new girlfriend, blonde, and I did.
Thing is I'm sorry. I love him, he's the first guy I have ever loved. I miss him. I don't think I want him back as my boyfriend. Really I just want him in my life, at least as a close friend. Someone I can rely on and vice-versa. I also want his forgiveness. I understand we cannot manifest experience for others. But I think of him constantly. I love that I love him, it makes me happy.
The only thing that gives me negative feelings is that I hurt him and the fear he may hate me, only view me negatively, or want nothing to do with me. But the thought of him and how I feel about him brings me joy. So I'm not sure what to do or what to ask for. I want to us to reconcile, to be friends, I want to know what he thinks of me and if anything positive can come from us again.
I feel compelled, as if something is pushing for me to just ask a question about him and it will be granted...but I don't know what that question is.
Isn’t it strange how we bring on our most ‘unwanted’ reality out of fear and worry, I guess there is a lesson here for you, and it sounds to me that you have taken that lesson on board.
You say that you want his forgiveness, but I really think that you need to start forgiving yourself.
You hurt this guy, you pushed him away, you went to someone else, and now you regret your actions.
Now that has passed, it has happened and you can’t get that time back, but your left with feelings of regret, pain and guilt.
This is your regret, your pain and your guilt, not his, and you feel that the only way that you can lose these feelings is with his permission.
That is not the case. You acted, you made mistakes, you recognise those mistakes, you learn from them, and only you can forgive them and lose these feelings.
Forgive yourself and love yourself, and only then can you be open enough to express your regret to your boyfriend, but not in a condition of forgiveness, but in a unconditional way, to allow him to repair the hurt you gave him.
If you truly love this guy, then you have to let him go, let him be happy and let him heal. Your admission of your mistakes will help his healing, but you do not need his forgiveness to help yours.
Your acceptance of your shortcomings will be a gift of love from you to him, but not of conditional love that can only be given in exchange for his forgiveness, but a gift of unconditional love that needs no exchange.
So how do you forgive yourself?
First you must accept your actions, accept your past, and accept the feelings you have now. It is no good hiding, suppressing or ignoring these feelings, as they will eat away at you.
By accepting your thoughts, you can start to change them, you can learn from them and you can move forward.
EFT is a great technique to tackle emotional issues, and I have posted a short film below from EMOFree.com, giving a brief introduction to EFT.
Introduction To EFT
To learn the EFT Tapping sequence you can download a free eBook by simply filling out your name and email address on the left hand side of the The Tapping Solution Website.
Your forgiveness is an important step for you to take. It will allow you to love yourself, and in return be loved, it will allow you to accept yourself, and in return be accepted. Don’t forget the lesson you had to learn, your thoughts create your reality, so make them good ones.