Law of Attraction Marriage & Miscarriage
I am new to law of attraction. I think I understand it fairly well but application does not always happen.
Me and my husband have been married for 7 years. We got pregnant the first year of our marriage. It was not the most wonderful marriage and we had a lot of issues. We are both young and our aspirations were not aligned as a couple. He wanted to travel the world and I wanted to settle down and have a family.
When I told him I was pregnant, he said he was not ready for it. I had not expected anything better. I was extremely hurt but I did not want to burden him with a new,' not so happy marriage' and a baby he was not ready for! I moved from a different country to live with him. I had no job or qualification in his country. That made me have a very low self esteem at the first place. A family was too much to even ask for. He dropped me to a abortion clinic and I had it done. He said you will look back and say,"been there done that ". I wept to sleep that night, laying next to him in bed. I don't think he noticed
We struggled for the next few years of our marriage. Bickering, yelling and arguments got louder and louder. There was physical abuse on some days.
I could not divorce him because of my own insecurities and low self esteem. Every time he apologized I gave in, hoping things will get better or telling myself this happens in every relationship.
One day he came home and said he has to travel for his new job and he has no choice. I did not argue although I was hurt for being rejected one more time by my own husband. I used the time he was away to work on myself. I was at peace when he was gone. I worked on my profession and my personality. When he came back from his trips he was very content. He enjoyed every bit of it and he could not stop telling me how great each and every trip was.
In the mean time I got into a university and left home for three years of schooling to get credentialed in his country to work and be self sufficient . He did not stop me and was happy for me.
The first year of my school, I got the baby fever. So strong this time that I asked him directly if he wanted to stay with me and have a family or leave me so that I can move on. He decided to come live with me for the time he was not traveling. Two months of living together, he left me again for another job, only to visit me on the weekends. My calling to have a baby was so strong that we got pregnant inspite of the constant struggle in my marriage. I was happy being pregnant but he was surprised to see me not hurting or aching. He was surprised when I didn't throw up in the morning. I was very happy but we got into an argument every time I asked his help to make arrangements to bring the baby home. He said I should not bother him with constant nagging and he will arrange everything in a day when need be. I could not contain my exicitement for the baby and I was so disturbed to see him being so laid back about so many things about our future with the baby. I was being a over concerned mother already. We argued.
He decided to put me in a hotel instead of his apartment when I went for my winter break before my graduation. He said he did not want me to judge his place. I only wanted to get it ready for our baby. I had less than 6 months to graduate and have a baby. Both were supposed to be in June 2015. The pregnancy ended up in a miscarriage at 17 weeks. We both felt guilty for our behaviors. We ended up giving it another try. I moved with him and we lived together for a year. All this while I prepared my mind to be a single mother of need be. Got pregnant the third time, ended in miscarriage again at 18 weeks. He told me I was having this miscarriage because I did not bed rest when he and his family told me so. I used to go to work to keep my self sane and have normal relationships at least in my social circle.
I have spent 7 years in this marriage and I have no other desire but to have a happy family. I have no courage to divorce him after putting him through all this, all because I wanted a family. I don't know where to even begin. Please help! I cannot lose another child.